The Amazing Spider-Man – Marc Webb – 2012



The Amazing Spider-Man is vanilla ice cream and that’s about the nicest thing I can say about it. It does not outwardly offend with its sensibilities, but its’ toothlessness is on a par with someone like Ron Howard. There is not one scary moment or one beat of pathos or suspense. Also, where’s all the action? What is this shit?

So I get it. It’s sexy Spider-man. Emma Stone will send any male brain into a sex-fueled frenzy and the chemistry between her and Garfield isn’t just easy, it’s downright hot. I really wanted these guys to get it on, and apparently they are, just not on camera for this movie. The point is, these two hot young things are not enough to hang a movie on, especially a damn Spider-Man film.

Re-visiting the May and Ben story is so old. It’s like wasting the first third of the movie. The way Parker gets into the lab to get his powers is stupid. I hated it. Who is this guy, Axel Foley? I like Parker being a scientist, but stealing the webbing from Oscorp when he invents the shooters? Come on! Either he makes it or he doesn’t.

The attempt to go away from CG and use more live stunts just means less action and more 80’s tv Spider-man bits, like coming down off the top of a car. The POV Spidey stuff was cool what of it there was. I remember it being in two scenes.

The Lizard is one of my favorite Spidey villains, so how could he come out being so lame and not scary at all? Well, changing his design was a bad start. Also, not letting his plan of turning other people into lizards come to any degree of fruition is weak sauce. Spidey could have fought a horde of lizard people before the cure was piped out. What a missed opportunity.

Where’s the Daily Bugle?

Spider-man is fine. Only fine. Andrew Garfield actually looks a lot like I imagined Peter Parker, but who is he? We don’t have any moments of characterization at all other than he’s hot to trot for Gwen Stacy, so like, any straight guy and gay lady can identify with that. What else Parker? You skateboard? Give me a break.

Gwen Stacy is great. She’s there to make my heart melt and she does. She’s there so I’ll cry when she dies in a future movie, as she is fated to do. OK. I’m in for another film, only based on goodwill I have for Emma Stone as Gwen Stacy, but it’s sick that the only reason I’ll come back is so I can see the sad fate of this character.

I admit, Raimi left the bar high, even with the lesser but not bad Spider-Man 3, but damn it Webb, The Amazing Spider-Man simply isn’t amazing. It’s not even good. It’s passable. Good work, you aren’t Michael Bay.


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